Drama | Romance
Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora, Max Martini, Callum Keith Rennie, Andrew Airlie, Dylan Neal, Anthony Konechny, Emily Fonda, Rachel Skarsten
StorylineLiterature student Anastasia Steele's (Dakota Johnson) life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).
OpinionAs you can see, I finally decided to watch "Fifty Shades of Grey". It's not like I suddenly am interested in the film. I just want to compare it to "Fifty Shades of Black" and hopefully be able to say how the parody is better than the original.
That being said, the film left me completely speechless. It is atrocious beyond words. So bad I had to take several breaks - and speed it up a little bit - to get through the whole thing.
But hey, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. Based on that thing written by a desperate housewife that many like to call a novel, the "film" is as thinly plotted as a porn, and nothing happens other than a rich and (supposed to be) handsome man fucking a mentally and emotionally retarded girl. But let's look on the bright side, it's impossible to spoil the film to those who haven't seen it yet. And by the way, even though the plot is porn material, I doubt this film will be able to satisfy anyone from that point of view.
Anyway, the "film" is even worse than the "book". Before you start thinking awful things about me, I didn't read the book, not completely anyway. I did give it a shot to understand what all the fuss was about, but I stopped reading after the photoshooting part. I know it's not much to compare, but it's enough in this case because I wanted to stop watching the film as soon as the first face appeared on screen because of what I'm about to tell you.
The acting. I'm sorry, I meant whatever those people are doing, which clearly cannot be called acting, just like in real porn. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are two pieces of wood - if Groot and a lady Groot were the leads, the film would have been much more exciting -, both lacking sex appeal and chemistry. Johnson lacks the ability to bit her lower lip in a sexual manner, but who cares right, she does that only for the entire film. Dornan, well, he is just not that attractive or good-looking as Christian Grey is supposed to be.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention the annoying, repetitive and utterly pointless use of closeups that are hopelessly trying to capture some kind of expressivity from the leading actors.
However, I did enjoy something, the soundtrack. It is really too good to be the soundtrack to this thing.