Bird Box (2018)

I’ve been living of mobile data —aka limited GB— for the past three weeks which translated in pretty much no Netflix. A day before its renewal, I realised I still had many data left so, being a fan of Sandra Bullock since always and being intrigued by the plot, I decided to watch Bird Box, or as I like to call it, how I decided to waste data and miss the interactive Black Mirror movie.

Just in case you haven’t heard of it, Bird Box follows a woman, Malorie (Sandra Bullock), as she tries to find a way to guide herself and two kids, Boy (Julian Edwards) and Girl (Vivien Lyra Blair), to safety. The catch? They must remain blindfolded the entire time as there are some unseen deadly forces that cause whoever that looks to commit suicide.

While it’s not correct to say that it is a copy/rip-off of A Quiet Place as it's based on a book published four years ago, Josh Malerman's Bird Box, the storyline is very similar to that of Krasinski’s film, the silence being replaced with the blindness. It is just as simple and flawed with its plot holes —this one is way more illogical though— and nonsense —seriously, why does everyone have to have kids in these (post-)apocalyptic films? However, it isn't nearly compelling as A Quiet Place's. On the contrary, it is tedious and unengaging, mostly because the entire plot is explained to us in the first ten minutes or so, and they stretched it for two hours. As for the ending, it does not work as a horror with a happy ending is very difficult to pull off.

Another of Bird Box's problems lays in its characters. They are so thin, you can see through them. They don't have arcs, they disappear with any sort of explanation —what happened to Luy and Felix?—, they make the dumbest decisions ever. They are not interesting —the only exception being John Malkovich's Douglas who isn't used at his best— and they are unlikeable, even Sandra Bullock's Malorie, which is a lot said by someone who loves Sandy since always. Hence, you don't care about any of them. 

It's the acting, however, the most disappointing aspect of the film. Bullock looks disinterested and bored as if she didn't want to be in the film, and fails to deliver the emotions, pain and struggles of Malorie. Also, isn't she a bit too old to play a young mom? Okay, she doesn't show her age, but still. The child actors are quite pathetic, but they pale in comparison with Machine Gun Kelly, who gives easily the worst performance here. And I'll never understand why waste actors such as John Malkovich and Sarah Paulson to play minor roles, especially the latter who is in the film for five minutes top.

Netflix

With all that being said, it comes without saying that Bird Box is not effective as a horror movie. It doesn't have any tension nor suspense whatsoever. It's not scary at all as the film is filled with lame jump scares. Frankly, I don't understand why Stephen King said this movie is scary. Either there's something wrong with him, or studios pay him to say so.