Monthly Recap: March 2020

I miss the good old days when I was making fun of people losing their minds over Coronavirus, and saying that it felt like being in a disaster movie because roads, bards, cinemas, and etcetera were empty. At least they were open at the time. Now it's all closed. We need to sign a paper to go to work — those unfortunate people who still go — or buy food. We can't even go on a walk — which is why I'm seriously losing my mind because I was used to walking 10km daily and now I have to circle around my kitchen isle to reach 10k steps. But at least I live in a big house hence I'm not suffocated by my family 24/7, and I even have a decently equipped home gym. It feels like living in a dystopian film, I kid you not.

Seriously though, I really hope this thing stops soon because a lot of people are dying here. And by here I don't mean Italy in general but my small town too. But as long as idiots keep leaving their houses whenever it pleases them, and flee contaminated areas it will never get better. 

The good news is that I'm turning 26 tomorrow and, although I can't celebrate as I wanted to, at least I don't have to go to work and deal with morons, oops I meant people, all day long. Also good news is that I have a lot of free time because of this "stay at home" situation and I could catch up with many TV series. I finally finished rewatching Orange Is the New Black and watched the final season — they fucking killed Pennsatucky, what the fuck is wrong with the writers? It broke me so much it took me two days to watch the finale. She was the character with the best development in the show. But at least Aleida killed Daya. I don't know why but I hated her since season 1. Maybe because she is so bland and uncompelling. I don't know. I also watched Russian Doll and I freaking loved it. And now I know for sure that I'm not a big fan of Nicky from Orange Is the New Black because of the writing, not the actress, since I loved Natasha Lyonne in this. I've also restarted watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and I just started Tiger King — I've only seen one episode and it's already insane.

But most of all, I binge-watched Money Heist and it's the greatest show ever. It is so well-written, so tense and perfectly paced. I immediately fell for the characters — I cried at the end of the first episode when I thought Rio died. Never before had I developed such a quick attachment to a character — and cried too many other times. And Denver, ay, he hot! But Berlin, damn, he sexy as fuck. He is a (bit of a) psychopath but, Pedro Alonso's voice, if you haven't heard it, please watch one of his interviews on YouTube or something, because that voice is sexy. He could read the phonebook and I'd be listening and drooling everywhere. And don't even have me started on him singing or speaking in Italian with his Spanish accent. OH MY FREAKING GOD.

In March, I also watched a lot of movies. And by a lot, I mean 14 (I could have watched more but then I started watching Money Heist), which is the new 2020 record. Unfortunately, most weren't worth the time.

The Land of Steady Habits (2018)

Plot: After retiring from his job in finance and leaving his wife (Edie Falco), Anders Harris (Ben Mendelsohn) struggles to adjust to his new life, as he especially misses his troubled 27-year-old son, Preston (Thomas Mann). He so befriends a drug-addicted teen (Charlie Tahan), however sending him down a path of reckless behaviour.

I had this on my Netflix watchlist for months and finally decided to give it a shot because of Mendelsohn. And he was good, working both as eye-candy and as the confused, fucked-up but loveable man-child he often plays. However, the film didn't really work for me. The story didn't really draw me in, the pace was too slow and the pizza these people ate was fucking disgusting.

Rating: 2½

Last Christmas (2019)

Plot: Nothing seems to go right for Kate (Emilia Clarke), a young wannabe singer who works as an elf in a year-round Christman store. Things take a turn for the better when she meets Tom (Henry Golding), an odd but charming young man.

Despite my dislike for romantic comedies, I really wanted to see this because of its cast — Clarke, Golding and Emma Thompson — and director Paul Feig. Saying that it was disappointing is a bit of an understatement. It's ridden with clichés, one-dimensional characters, and pretty bad acting. I almost cried with that twist toward the end, which I didn't see coming but only because I stopped paying attention at some point. Clarke and Golding are attractive as fuck but they are not enough to hold your attention.

Rating: 2

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Put Grandma in the Freezer [Metti la nonna in freezer] (2018)

Plot: When her grandmother (Barbara Bouchet) dies, Claudia (Miriam Leone) decides to hide the body in a freezer as her retirement checks are the only thing preventing Claudia from going bankrupt. Complications arise when Simone (Fabio De Luigi), a clumsy financier falls in love with her.

I rarely watch modern Italian movies and this right here is the reason as it's just a mediocre wannabe Italian black comedy. The plot isn't developed at all, the pacing is at times too slow, and the romance between Claudia and Simone isn't that believable. Despite these flaws, the film manages to be somewhat entertaining, some jokes are actually funny and Miriam Leone gives a surprisingly good performance.

Rating: 2½

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The Host [괴물 Gwoemul] (2006)

Plot: In 2000, a reluctant Korean is forced by an American military pathologist to dump over 200 bottles of formaldehyde down the drain, into the Han River. Six years later, a monster emerges from the river, beings attacking people and brings back into the river a 13-year-old girl (Go Ah-sung). Her father (Song Kang-ho) soon learns that his daughter isn't dead and sets out, with the help of the family, to find her before it's too late. 

I've been meaning to watch this Bong Joon-ho film for ages and when did I finally decided to watch it? In the middle of the Coronavirus pandemic — the similar setting made it almost unbearable to watch. That said, the film is great. It's tense, scary, sad but also funny and emotional. It has its problems as they are some plots left unresolved, there are many holes and contradictions, and there are probably too many genres involved. But overall it's an interesting and entertaining horror comedy-drama with a great monster. And the music during the escape from the hospital and the comedic ton Bong Joon-ho gave to the sequence is brilliant.

Rating: 4

Cats (2019)

Plot: A tribe of cats called the Jellicles must decide yearly which one will ascend to the Heaviside Layer and come back to a new Jellicle life.

I just copied the plot from IMDb because why even bother? The film is a nightmare from start to finish so it certainly doesn't deserve the effort. I'm not familiar with the musical but this film has no plot whatsoever, it's just a group of random cats introducing themselves in quite a horrific manner. The songs are terrible, the musical numbers disturbing, and the special effects are dreadful. Actually, dreadful doesn't even come close to describe how bad they are. I watched the entire thing with an utter feeling of disgust. There's only one other movie that made me feel this disgusted, it was A Serbian Film. Also, WHAT THE FUCK IS A JELLICLE CAT? Does Hooper even know?

Rating: 1

American Pie (1999) | Rewatch

Plot: Four high-school seniors, Jim (Jason Biggs), Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas), Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas), and Oz (Chris Klein), make a pact to lose their virginities by prom night. 

I'm not entirely sure why I decided to rewatch this. Anyways, either the quarantine really got to me or this is better than I remembered because it was quite a fun and entertaining film. At first, I had a hard time to like Jim because Biggs plays the worst character ever on OITNB but eventually, he grew on him. Especially his awkwardness and stupidity. Damn, that apple pie scene was fun. And yes, that's another food ruined because of a movie. Also, is it me or is Chris Klein poor people's Keanu Reeves?

Rating: 3

The Leisure Seeker (2017)

Plot: Both in their eighties, one with cancer the other with Alzheimer's, Ella (Helen Mirren) and John (Donald Sutherland) decide to go on a road trip, travelling from Boston, Massachusetts to The Ernest Hemingway Home in Key West, Florida in their faithful old RV they call "The Leisure Seeker".

Since I have enjoyed other movies from Paolo Virzì and this has quite an impressive cast — and it's on Netflix —  I checked this out but it was average at best. I guess this just wasn't a film for me as I feel like it targets older people — over 50 — but the story didn't really engage me which left me devoid of emotion. It is a nice tribute to life and love and growing old and it has good acting, but it just wasn't the film for me.

Rating: 3

The Invisible Man (2020)

Plot: Shortly after escaping from her abusive and controlling boyfriend Adrian (Oliver Jackson-Cohen), Cecilia (Elisabeth Moss) receives the news of Adrian's suicide. Just when she begins to rebuild her life, as a series of coincidences turn lethal, her sense of reality is put into question and she begins to suspect that Adrian isn't actually dead.

I had no interest whatsoever in watching this film but since so many people on Twitter were saying how good the film was, and to go see this in cinemas before it was too late, I decided to give it a shot. And I'm glad my cinema closed like a month ago and I watched this for free because it would have definitely not been worth the money. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad film, it's just forgettable. There are so many holes it's the actual plot to be invisible, and there's one predictable scare followed by another predictable scare to and fro. However, I was engaged from start to finish and Moss's performance, especially if you consider the script, is excellent.
Rating: 3

Portrait of a Lady on Fire [Portrait de la juene en feu] (2019)

Plot: In 18th century France, a young female painter, Marianne (Noémie Merlant), is commissioned to secretly paint a wedding portrait of Héloïse (Adèle Haenel), a young reluctant bride-to-be. Day by day, the two women become closer and their intimacy and attraction grow as they share Héloïse's first as well last moments of freedom.

Unpopular opinion alert! Portrait of a Lady on Fire is an overrated film. Don't get me wrong, it has a beautiful, delicate love story, well-written characters brought to life by stunning performances from Merlant and Haenel, the cinematography is absolutely gorgeous, and it's an all-female film. However, I wasn't emotionally invested in the love story, just as I wasn't in Call Me By Your Name's. And it didn't really surprise me since this is essentially the female version of that.
Rating: 3

Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)

Plot: When it's discovered that the evil Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) did not die at the hands of Darth Vader, the rebels must race against the clock to find out his whereabouts. Finn (John Boyega) and Poe (Oscar Isaac) lead the Resistance to put a stop to the First Order's plans to form a new Empire, while Rey (Daisy Ridley) anticipates her inevitable confrontation with Kylo Ren (Adam Driver).

This is when I thank my boss for giving me the night shift thus not allowing me to spend money to see this film because it is a tragedy. Think of the worst possible ending to the trilogy. Well, J. J. Abrams's film is worse than that. This film reaches a level of unprecedented laziness. The events make no sense whatsoever. The acting is dreadful — I'm not saying it was great before but it reaches a whole new level of dreadfulness now. And the ending, oh my god, is Abrams for real?! Many weren't fans of Rian Johnson's work (I was tbh) but at least he tried.

Rating: 1