Monthly Recap: March 2021

I can't believe it's been a month already since I found myself laughing for the millionth time at the "Oh, hi March" joke. I need to grow up, don't I? 

Anyway, I still feel the same as I felt a month ago. I don't dread waking up in the morning anymore but I am still out not happy with how life is developing, if being at home every day all day can be called development. Yep, I basically am that annoying character that complains about their life and yet does absolutely nothing to change it. I guess I was born to complain. Also, I've been sick for the past couple of weeks — mainly vertigo — so I've been more miserable than usual. 

At least, I have a huge crush on William Fichtner to distract me from all that. And he is basically the reason why I did nothing creative all month because I'm too busy watching films to see his pretty face and hear his deep voice, even if it's just for a few minutes, which is pretty much always. 

I didn't read as much as the previous months in March as I only read two and a half but boy, they were good! Edith Hamilton's Mythology is so compelling and the myths are beautifully told; Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is hard to digest at times — Roark and Dominique's first time seemed a lot like rape to me, which is infuriating considering the book was written by a woman — but it is compelling from start to finish, and I quite liked some of the characters; Miguel de Cervantes's Don Quixote is absolutely brilliant and is now one of my favourite books. The adventures of this knight errant are so compelling and entertaining, and there are so many funny moments — I literally laughed out loud at points — and it's the kind of book I just couldn't put down. It's almost a thousand pages and it took me only 20 to read it. Seriously, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. Edith Grossman's translation is just beautiful. And before I forget, I now have a bookstagram.

Prison Break was so stressful I thought I'd watch something more relaxing this month so I checked out an Australian series that was suggested to me on Twitter, Please Like Me. And if you haven't seen it, please check it out because it is brilliant. It is so funny and sweet and touching, and it was really nice seeing an actress — Caitlin Stasey — I had a crush on when I was much younger. Of course, I watched season 3 of Drive to Survive, the Netflix docu-series about F1 and, while it provided a lot of thirst material about my favourite driver Daniel Ricciardo and everyone's dady, Mercedes team principal Toto Wolff, it wasn't as compelling as the previous seasons. I guess it's because I didn't do much last year so I remember the F1 season to perfection. Anyway, they managed to make me cry with "Man on Fire". And lastly, I finished watching Season 6 of Brooklin Nine-Nine and I'm trying to figure out which one is funnier, straight Holt or laughing Holt. 

I watched 27 films in March, 15 of which only because of Fichtner. 

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

Plot: Tells the story of Benjamin Button, a man who ages backwards. 

I had started watching the film years ago with my mom but then got bored and stopped. I finally decided to give it another chance and, although I finished it, the temptation to just quit was always there. If I decide to spend two hours and forty-five minutes to watch a Fincher, I want it to be a compelling, engaging, tense and suspenseful film, not good but not great romance. Sure, the story is like nothing we've seen before and the actors are great, but still... how is this a Fincher?! Rating: 3,5/5

Atlantics [Atlantique] (2019)

Plot: In a popular suburb of Dakar, workers on the construction site of a futuristic tower, without pay for months, decide to leave the country by the ocean for a better future. Among them is Souleiman (Traore), the lover of Ada (Mame Bineta Sane), promised to another.

I really, really wanted to like this one but unfortunately, it didn't work for me. While the cinematography is very beautiful, and the actors do an incredible job, the story, specifically its fantasy element, did not work for me. Rating: 2,5/5

Albino Alligator (1996)

Plot: While escaping from a foiled robbery attempt, three thieves (Matt Dillon, William Fichtner, and Gary Sinise) find themselves surrounded by police at a New Orleans bar--only they're not the people the police are searching for.

As if his eyes and cheekbones weren't distracting enough, Fichtner shows off his biceps for most of the film. I'm pretty sure the director (I'm not even going to mention that piece of shit) made that happen so that nobody would focus on the tremendously predictable film he made. There's also Viggo Mortensen, but he has a tiny party and do not recommend watching this mess for him. Rating: 2/5

Minari (2020)

Plot: It follows a Korean family as they start a farm in 1980s Arkansas.

I'm always excited to watch films with Steven Yeun as I'm very happy to see he's doing well outside of The Walking Dead, and it's very nice of him to make Korean films as well. And I really wanted to love this, but unfortunately, while it tells a very beautiful story and the characters are fantastically brought to life by the cast, I didn't get emotional, which is definitely something I would have expected from such a film. This doesn't really sit right with me so I might give it another chance in the future. Rating: 3,5/5

Armageddon (1998)

Plot: After discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas is going to impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep-core drillers to save the planet.

I was expecting it to suck since Michael Bay directed it and the only reason I decided to sit through two and a half hours of supposedly pain is William Fichtner. To my surprise, while Fichtner is so dreamy in that NASA suit I struggled to stay focused when he was on screen, the film is very good. It doesn't always make sense, there's a cheesy Tayler-Affleck moment halfway through and some other pointless scenes, but the story is engaging, and I ended up caring for the characters. And I even got a little emotional at the end. Rating: 3,5/5

The Neighbour (2018)

Plot: A middle-aged man (William Fichtner) in a stagnant marriage finds his life upended when an attractive young woman (Jessica McNamee) and her seemingly abusive husband (Michael Rosenbaum) move in next door.

The plot is so far fetched. I mean, if William Fichtner was my neighbour I would not wait that long to fuck him. Honestly, though, nothing makes sense. I don't know what the filmmaker was trying to achieve here. I felt sorry for Fichtner who does his best but can't save this mess. Rating: 1,5/5

The Old Guard (2020)

Plot: Led by a warrior named Andy (Charlize Theron), a covert group of tight-knit mercenaries with a mysterious inability to die have fought to protect the mortal world for centuries. But when the team is recruited to take on an emergency mission and their extraordinary abilities are suddenly exposed, it’s up to Andy and Nile (Kiki Layne), the newest soldier to join their ranks, to help the group eliminate the threat of those who seek to replicate and monetize their power by any means necessary.

It took me forever to watch this one (I was expecting Netflix to tell me the download was about the expire but apparently their original stuff doesn't) and I could have lived without it. It isn't particularly compelling, I wasn't a fan of the fantasy element — I should read about a film first I guess —, but at least Charlize Theron is an absolute badass. Rating: 2/5

Cold Brook (2019)

Plot: Two ordinary guys (William Fichtner and Kim Coates) in a small town embark on an extraordinary adventure, risking everything for a stranger in need.

I love the Fichtner-Coates pair but I honestly wasn't expecting to enjoy Fichtner's debut as much as I did. The story is a bit predictable, but the way it is delivered and the characters make it so enjoyable and charming. And the leading duo is so much fun to watch. Rating: 3,5/5

The Handmaiden (2016) - Review

Contact (1997)

Plot: Dr. Ellie Arroway (Jodie Foster), after years of searching, finds conclusive radio proof of extraterrestrial intelligence, sending plans for a mysterious machine.

I feel like I'm on an island alone with this one because I didn't love it as much as everyone else seems to. It's interesting at first but after a while it gets boring as it is quite tame and predictable, and the relationship between McConaughey and Foster's characters is rather pointless. I did love Fichtner's performance though. He plays a blind man here and handles the role with such sensitivity, and the performance, as well as being believable, is one of my favourites from him. Rating: 3/5

Cherry (2021)

Plot: Cherry (Tom Holland) drifts from college dropout to army medic in Iraq – anchored only by his true love, Emily (Ciara Bravo). But after returning from the war with PTSD, his life spirals into drugs and crime as he struggles to find his place in the world.

I was quite looking forward to seeing this film but what an absolute fuck up it turned out to be! Apple originals are usually great visually but this film is a fucking tragedy there too. The first part is shot in portrayed mode and it really had me worried the entire film was going to be filmed like that. Thankfully, it wasn't. But the cinematography doesn't get any better. The aspect ratio keeps changing, just as the tone of the film does, not to mention the story that is all over the place. This film wants to be so many things and fails at every single one of them. The acting from Ciara Bravo is painful to watch. Tom Holland isn't terrible but he arguably gives a much better performance in The Devil All the Time. The rating is so high because I managed to keep my focus for the entire first hour. Rating: 1,5/5

Heat (1995) - Review

Strange Days (1995)

Plot: A former cop (Ralph Fiennes) turned street-hustler accidentally uncovers a conspiracy in Los Angeles in 1999.

I had no idea what I was getting into the Sunday morning I decided to watch this one but I loved every second of it. It is so tense and intense — the final half-hour is so intense I think it aged me 10 years; and I struggled to watch the rape scene —, the cinematography is just beautiful, the score enhances the film so much, and the acting is great. Also, Fiennes is such a babe, Angela Bassett's arms are marble. And kudos to Kathryn Bigelow because she's the only one so far who made me glad of seeing Fichtner's character die. Rating: 4/5

The Underneath (1995)

Plot: A recovering gambling addict (Peter Gallagher) attempts to reconcile with his family and friends but finds trouble and temptation when caught between feelings for his ex-wife (Alison Elliott) and her dangerous hoodlum boyfriend (William Fichtner). 

I had high expectations about this one because Steven Soderbergh directed and it stars not one, but two of my crushes, Peter Callagher and William Fichtner. Unfortunately, this turned out to be one of the worst Soderbergh's I've seen. The story isn't particularly interesting, there's no tension whatsoever, and I'm not sure I will ever recover from the fact that one of my boos killed another. Rating: 2/5

The Intern (2015)

Plot: Seventy-year-old widower Ben Whittaker (Robert De Niro) has discovered that retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be. Seizing an opportunity to get back in the game, he becomes a senior intern at an online fashion site, founded and run by Jules Ostin (Anne Hathaway).

I literally avoided this film for years because of the trailer. The film just came across as one of those idiotic and vulgar comedies made for me, and I stayed away from it. I decided to give it a shot when I learnt Nancy Meyers directed it and I don't regret it. It is such a sweet, and funny film, not dumb at all. The characters are very likeable, and I really liked the bond that forms between De Niro and Hathaway's characters. Rating: 3,5/5

Black Hawk Down (2001)

Plot: 160 elite U.S. soldiers drop into Somalia to capture two top lieutenants of a renegade warlord and find themselves in a desperate battle with a large force of heavily-armed Somalis.

I struggled a little to get into it at first and it gets boring after a while, but it's very well made. It does a good job of analysing the value and worth of war. The cinematography is quite impressive and really adds to the story. And the acting is solid. However, the characters have so little development, it's difficult to keep track of who's who. Rating: 3/5

What's the Worst that Could Happen? (2001)

Plot: A rich man (Danny DeVito) catches a thief (Martin Lawrence) burglarizing his home and steals the thief's lucky ring, who then tries to get it back.

The film is pretty bland and unfunny throughout. The only parts worth watching are those with William Fichtner. He plays such an extravagant character and his performance is so damn hilarious. I could watch his scenes here all day long. Rating: 1,5/5

Equilibrium (2002)

Plot: In a dystopian future, a totalitarian regime maintains peace by subduing the populace with a drug, and displays of emotion are punishable by death. A man (Christian Bale) in charge of enforcing the law rises to overthrow the system.

There isn't an ounce of originality in this film whatsoever. The plot is basically a mixture of Orwell's 1984 and Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, the action and clothing is taken straight out of The Matrix. It is so damn tedious, and the acting perfectly fits with the film. But at least Fichtner has a decent amount of screen time. Rating: 1,5/5

Nomadland (2020)

Plot: After losing everything in the Great Recession, a woman (Frances McDormand) embarks on a journey through the American West, living as a van-dwelling modern-day nomad.

It's been ten days since I watched this film and I'm still trying to figure out how exactly I feel about it. The speeches by two nomads, Linda and Bob Wells, are quite moving, and McDormand's performance is terrific, but the film brags on and is quite boring. I have mixed feelings about it being both fiction and non-fiction. Rating: 3/5

Gone Girl (2014) | Rewatch

Plot: When her wife Amy (Rosamund Pike) goes missing on the morning of their fifth anniversary, Nick (Ben Affleck) sees the spotlight turned on him as he becomes the prime suspect. 

Hands down one of the greatest thrillers ever made. It's mind-blowing how thrilling and tense it still manages to be when you already know every little thing that is going to happen (as I've seen the film several times and read the novel). Pike's performance is so good and she owns every scene she is in. It's beyond me how this masterpiece only got one Oscar nomination. Rating: 5/5

Mr. Roosevelt (2017)

Plot: When her cat dies, 25-year-old struggling comedian Emily Martin (Noël Wells) returns to her college town of Austin, Texas and must come to terms with her past while staying with her ex-boyfriend (Nick Thune) and his new girlfriend (Britt Lower). 

I am a little disappointed at how average this film turned out to be. The story doesn't really have anything to stand out as it's one that has been told over and over again; the sexual tension between Emily and Jen (Daniella Pineda) is completely wasted as nothing happens between them. So much wasted potential. Rating: 2,5/5

Go (1999)

Plot: Told from three perspectives, a story of a bunch of young Californians trying to get some cash, do and deal some drugs, score money and sex in Las Vegas, and generally experience the rush of life.

I was quite excited about this one because I LOVE intersecting storylines but unfortunately it was just mediocre. Ronna's (Sarah Polley) part as well as Zack (Jay Mohr) and Adam's (Scott Wolf) are quite compelling, but I was so bored with Simon's (Desmond Askew). The good news is that this film both has a shirtless Timothy Olyphant wearing a Santa hat and being an absolute babe, and William Fichtner's ass. Rating: 2,5/5

Quiz Show (1994)

Plot: An idealistic young lawyer (Rob Morrow) working for a Congressional subcommittee in the late 1950s discovers that TV quiz shows are being fixed. His investigation focuses on two contestants on the show "Twenty-One": Herbert Stempel (John Turturro), a brash working-class Jew from Queens, and Charles Van Doren (Ralph Fiennes), the patrician scion of one of America's leading literary families.

This is another film I watched for Fichtner. So you can imagine my disappointment when my man literally showed up for a second — he's a cameraman at the beginning of the film. That said, the film is very good. The story is told in a compelling enough way to keep you engaged despite knowing the outcome, young Ralph Fiennes is so fucking dreamy, and his bromance with Rob Morrow is just beautiful. Rating: 3,5/5

Drive Angry (2011)

Plot: A vengeful father (Nicolas Cage) escapes from hell and chases after the men who killed his daughter and kidnapped his granddaughter.

This was off to a good start as it opens with William Fichtner's voice but unfortunately, the film is not as good as its opening. The plot wasn't compelling to me, Amber Heard is insufferable, and the effects are so shitty for a 2011 movie. That said, Fichtner is terrific and Nicolas Cage has some pretty memorable moments. Rating: 2/5

Zack Snyder's Justice League (2021)

Plot: Determined to ensure Superman’s (Henry Cavill) ultimate sacrifice was not in vain, Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) aligns forces with Diana Prince (Gal Gadot) with plans to recruit a team of metahumans to protect the world from an approaching threat of catastrophic proportions.

There was something terribly wrong with 2017 me because there's no way Whedon's Justice League is a 4/5. Snyder's cut is so much better as it is a very enjoyable and entertaining retelling of the story. The colours are stunning and fit the tone of the story, the action is spectacular — the bank scene with Wonder Woman is amazing —, the score enhances the scenes, Steffenwolf is a much better villain — he looks amazing, and threatening —, the Flash adds so much comic relief, the disgusting moment where the Flash lands on Wonder Woman's boobs is nowhere to be found, Leto's Joker is terrific, and the film flows so well the four hours fly by. Rating: 4/5

Virtuosity (1995)

Plot: When a virtual reality simulation (Russell Crowe) created using the personalities of multiple serial killers manages to escape into the real world, an ex-cop (Denzel Washington) is tasked with stopping its reign of terror.

I still can't believe I sat through this atrocious 90s science fiction film — a boring, predictable film with bad special effects — to be rewarded with Denzel Washington punching my man, William Fichtner. What the hell were they thinking? Punching a beautiful face like that? INSANE! Rating: 1,5/5

Big (1988)

Plot: After wishing to be made big, a teenage boy (David Moscow) wakes the next morning to find himself mysteriously in the body of an adult (Tom Hanks).

It has a very simple and predictable story but delivers a serious message of friendship and keeping your inner child. Tom Hanks is just delightful and finally, I know where the Thanks gif comes from. Rating: 3/5