Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)


Drama | Romance


Sam Taylor-Johnson




Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora, Max Martini, Callum Keith Rennie, Andrew Airlie, Dylan Neal, Anthony Konechny, Emily Fonda, Rachel Skarsten


Literature student Anastasia Steele's (Dakota Johnson) life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).


As you can see, I finally decided to watch "Fifty Shades of Grey". It's not like I suddenly am interested in the film. I just want to compare it to "Fifty Shades of Black" and hopefully be able to say how the parody is better than the original.

That being said, the film left me completely speechless. It is atrocious beyond words. So bad I had to take several breaks - and speed it up a little bit - to get through the whole thing.

But hey, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. Based on that thing written by a desperate housewife that many like to call a novel, the "film" is as thinly plotted as a porn, and nothing happens other than a rich and (supposed to be) handsome man fucking a mentally and emotionally retarded girl. But let's look on the bright side, it's impossible to spoil the film to those who haven't seen it yet. And by the way, even though the plot is porn material, I doubt this film will be able to satisfy anyone from that point of view.

Anyway, the "film" is even worse than the "book". Before you start thinking awful things about me, I didn't read the book, not completely anyway. I did give it a shot to understand what all the fuss was about, but I stopped reading after the photoshooting part. I know it's not much to compare, but it's enough in this case because I wanted to stop watching the film as soon as the first face appeared on screen because of what I'm about to tell you.

The acting. I'm sorry, I meant whatever those people are doing, which clearly cannot be called acting, just like in real porn. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are two pieces of wood - if Groot and a lady Groot were the leads, the film would have been much more exciting -, both lacking sex appeal and chemistry. Johnson lacks the ability to bit her lower lip in a sexual manner, but who cares right, she does that only for the entire film. Dornan, well, he is just not that attractive or good-looking as Christian Grey is supposed to be.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the annoying, repetitive and utterly pointless use of closeups that are hopelessly trying to capture some kind of expressivity from the leading actors.

However, I did enjoy something, the soundtrack. It is really too good to be the soundtrack to this thing.


  1. Although the effort and some spot-on valuations (like about the acting) this is maybe the worst review you have ever written. I'll try to explain why I think so in three points:
    1. You have devoted time to watch this thing, OK, no harm. We, people, tend to do stupidities from time to time. But not only watching it, you have taken the time to write a whole review about it which is more than 'If you are self-aware conscious human being it is most probably ill-advised watching this shit. My final score 0,5/5.'
    2. OK, you commit and want to be somehow professional about it, write a full-length review. But why would you compare this thing to porn. A thing which is not remotely close to erotica or porn. Because comparing it to porn gives it some value... I mean this thing must be considered so much more worse that even seems unimaginable comparing it to porn. And also I'm almost curtain that if there is a porn parody of this, it might be more worth watching.
    3. The most subjective part. I kind of understand why you say that there is even one good thing. Because after taking the time you somehow search for something good, but no, there is nothing good, nothing worth mentioning. The music is better than the rest of it, but it is somehow quite difficult to be at the same level as the rest. But definitely not a good music. If you insist on putting something good, a word or two, maybe this--If you're in a very good mood, or stoned, which you shouldn't, and you have done everything you had to, it is late, have nothing else to do, then you can watch this as some kind of a fiction comedy and laugh your ass off of the ridiculousness it is. Because it is one of the things you wonder how did they happen, how did they became a thing.

    1. Okay. I always review the films I watch, whether they are good or bad. That's the point of my blog. I compared it to porn because apparently that's how many people see it - especially all those people, or maybe I should say middle-aged women, who loved the book. And finally, I wasn't trying to find something good in the film. I just liked some of the songs from the soundtrack, and the fact that one of those was nominated at the Oscars should mean something.

  2. I congratulate you in actually sitting through this dreck. I have no desire to read the stupid book or see this stupid movie. I actually did read bits and pieces of the book when I was in a bookstore and thought is was so bad I could not understand how it became a best seller.

    1. I know, I'm still wondering how that happened.

  3. This movie is so bad. So so bad. It failed on every level of storytelling and then failed to titillate, on top of that. And they keep threatening us with two more of these. Someone please make it stop.

    1. I hope the sequels will never happen. I don't want people to ask me to review them.