Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

I am not a fan of this series. I didn't even read the novels (I did try to read the first when it was published but only read a chapter or two and I was using the treadmill, that's how much focus I gave it). I had no interest whatsoever in knowing how the story would go but I watched Fifty Shades Freed anyway. Why? Because I have so much fun reviewing these garbage movies and Fifty Shades Freed, just like its two predecessors, falls into that category.

Believing they have left behind their past, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) get married and set off on a honeymoon around the world. Turns out they did not leave their past behind after all. In fact, Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), Anastasia's ex-boss, is back and continues to threaten their relationship.

Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

Genres

Drama, Romance

Director

James Foley

Country

USA

Cast

Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eric Johnson, Eloise Mumford, Bella Heathcote, Rita Ora, Luke Grimes, Victor Rasuk, Kim Basinger, Marcia Gay Harden, Max Martini, Bruce Altman, Robinne Lee, Fay Masterson, Andrew Airlie, Amy Price-Francis

Storyline

Ana (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) rekindle their relationship and Christian's past begins to haunt Ana.

Opinion

I know, I know I said I'd watch this only if someone asked me to, but you know when you're in that kind of mood when you only want to see something terrible so you can be mean? Well, I was having one of those days so I watched Fifty Shades Darker. And it was no surprise that the film sucked like its predecessor.

I haven't read the book so I don't know how faithful the adaptation is and who's fault it is, but the plot is dreadful. To be honest the plot doesn't even exist. While one could say Fifty Shades of Grey was a love story - and I agree on that, it was terrible, but it still was a love story - the same sure cannot be said for this one. It's basically a plotless and corny porn that at times tries really hard to be a drama. And fails, of course.

And obviously, the lack of effective drama isn't the only problem. The film is also funny, hilarious I'd say when it is not supposed to be. There aren't jokes or anything like that, it's just so bad it's laughable, especially the sex scenes that are both terrible and boring.

Thanks to its first-class cast, Fifty Shades Darker also lacks passion. Other than the great wooden acting skills both Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have already proven to have in the previous entry, they still lack sex appeal and their chemistry, well, they just failed the class.

And once again I'm surprised such a terrible movie has such a good soundtrack.

Fifty Shades of Black (2016)

Genre

Comedy

Director

Michael Tiddes

Country

USA

Cast

Marlon Wayans, Kali Hawk, Jane Seymour, Fred Willard, Irene Choi, David Arvesen, King Bach, Mircea Monroe, Affion Crockett, Kate Miner, Florence Henderson, Dave Sheridan, Jenny Zigrino

Storyline

Inexperienced college student Hannah Steale's (Kali Hawk) life changes forever when she meet wealthy businessman Christian Black (Marlon Wayans). 

Opinion

One week later, here I am reviewing "Fifty Shades of Grey"'s parody, but unlike I hoped, I won't be able to say that the parody is better than the original, even though this time I didn't need to take breaks or speed up the film to get to the end.

To be honest, the idea was great. I mean, taking one of the most successful films - and novels - of the past few years and making a parody of it complete with a social satire, something decent could have been made out of it.

Unfortunately, the filmmakers' only concern was to make fun of the original film scene by scene, and while that worked for a few scenes, the rest is just filled with sex jokes, not that funny humour and a lot of stupid things. Basically all "Fifty Shades of Black" does is trying to show the audience how dumb the original movie is.

Okay, that's not true, because it also makes fun of other films such as "Magic Mike" - and I'm totally cool with that - and "Whiplash" - nope, I'm not okay with this one. And there are tons of references of other popular movies, TV shows and books, not to mention the pop culture satire that is nothing like the satire in Wayans previous comedies. Also, there is so much vulgarity that it's even too much for Marlon Wayans.

"A Haunted House 2" was better than this, still I had a few laughs, and ultimately "Fifty Shades of Black" is the parody "Fifty Shades of Grey" deserves.

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Genre

Drama | Romance

Director

Sam Taylor-Johnson

Country

USA

Cast

Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora, Max Martini, Callum Keith Rennie, Andrew Airlie, Dylan Neal, Anthony Konechny, Emily Fonda, Rachel Skarsten

Storyline

Literature student Anastasia Steele's (Dakota Johnson) life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).

Opinion

As you can see, I finally decided to watch "Fifty Shades of Grey". It's not like I suddenly am interested in the film. I just want to compare it to "Fifty Shades of Black" and hopefully be able to say how the parody is better than the original.

That being said, the film left me completely speechless. It is atrocious beyond words. So bad I had to take several breaks - and speed it up a little bit - to get through the whole thing.

But hey, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. Based on that thing written by a desperate housewife that many like to call a novel, the "film" is as thinly plotted as a porn, and nothing happens other than a rich and (supposed to be) handsome man fucking a mentally and emotionally retarded girl. But let's look on the bright side, it's impossible to spoil the film to those who haven't seen it yet. And by the way, even though the plot is porn material, I doubt this film will be able to satisfy anyone from that point of view.

Anyway, the "film" is even worse than the "book". Before you start thinking awful things about me, I didn't read the book, not completely anyway. I did give it a shot to understand what all the fuss was about, but I stopped reading after the photoshooting part. I know it's not much to compare, but it's enough in this case because I wanted to stop watching the film as soon as the first face appeared on screen because of what I'm about to tell you.

The acting. I'm sorry, I meant whatever those people are doing, which clearly cannot be called acting, just like in real porn. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are two pieces of wood - if Groot and a lady Groot were the leads, the film would have been much more exciting -, both lacking sex appeal and chemistry. Johnson lacks the ability to bit her lower lip in a sexual manner, but who cares right, she does that only for the entire film. Dornan, well, he is just not that attractive or good-looking as Christian Grey is supposed to be.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the annoying, repetitive and utterly pointless use of closeups that are hopelessly trying to capture some kind of expressivity from the leading actors.

However, I did enjoy something, the soundtrack. It is really too good to be the soundtrack to this thing.