Nine Lives (2016)

About a year ago I saw the trailer to Nine Lives and tweeted it seemed fun. Then a guy replied to me saying the movie was so terrible it made him suicidal and I skipped it. And now I ended up watching it anyway and I can say that guy was right, Nive Lives is a terrible film.

Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) is a millionaire at the top of his game who doesn't have a lot of time for his family. So when his daughter (Malina Weissman) turns 11 and once again asks for a cat, Tom goes to a mystical pet store where the eccentric owner (Christopher Walken) presents him an odd cat, Mr. Fuzzypants. On his way home he is struck by a thunderbolt, goes into a coma and wakes up in the body of the cat. This way he has the change to spend more time with his family and understand how valuable it is. 

I'm still trying to understand how on earth have I thought, even for a second, this film would be fun. It's pretty much the typical swap story, only this time a poor cat is involved, it's terribly plotted, filled with clichés, it's predictable to say the least, and it doesn't make a lot of sense. Five people wrote the screenplay and none of them was able to come up with a decent idea for this movie. 

They couldn't come up even with a decent joke. The humour is indeed terrible, ranging from divorce to castration to some dreadful slapstick gags that really make you suicidal. Am I really supposed to laugh at a cat pissing in a purse? And how about a cat trying to open a whisky bottle with its paws? It only made me wish I had a whisky bottle with me. 

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As terrible as the humour is, it is not even the worst part of Nine Lives. When the film isn't desperately trying to be funny, we are forced to sit through tremendously boring board meetings no one cares about. This is supposed to be a family comedy but I strongly doubt a kid would find that funny. 

Also, this is the kind of film that makes you want to kill the cat because of how annoying its human voiceover and personality. Not to mention the emotions the cat/Kevin Spacey is supposed to deliver. I felt absolutely nothing. Other than looking at a poor cat with the voice of a pervert, we have to endure the terrible acting of Jennifer Garner who here plays Tom's wife, and a sad performance from Christopher Walker who probably wasn't given the chance to bring his sense of humour to the film.

4 comments :

  1. Seems like a terrible movie and Spacey is in it so I ain't ever watching that one

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    1. Good call. I only wanted to get it off my watchlist.

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  2. Someone believed that the reason Spacey did the film because of his dark secrets and if that is true. Then no wonder he had to be in a piece of shit movie and probably deserves so. Fuck that guy.

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    1. He's been one of my favourite actors since always but now he truly disgusts me. You're right, this is the kind of shit he deserves.

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